Moms Everywhere: I'm sorry I judged you…

BubbaI'm sorry I ever judged you for being late, canceling, or asking me to be ridiculously "available" so we could meet for lunch because I didn't realize how delicately a good day and a bad day rested on an extra 15 minutes of nap time... Blasted nap time. I'm sorry I ever spoke the words, "if they don't create flexibility in their babies life they will never learn!!" I'm clearly an idiot who needs to be flogged. Flexibility!? HA! You are lucky if you can find some semblance of a routine with a baby, you are entirely flexible, but it's about knowing how your baby will thrive and that trumps just about everything… Including a much needed meal of food with friends. Sorry boos.

I'm sorry I ever scoffed at a 5pm dinner request. Heck, is 4:30 too early!?!?

I'm sorry I judged that you didn't have all wooden and bpa-free shit for your kid to play with. Who was I kidding!?! What do you want!? What will make you happy!? Plastic? Toys with sharp edges!? TV!? Hell, I'll give you all of that!

I apologize for ever uttering the words "non-toxic" or "organic" in your presence. Self explanatory. See above.

I'm sorry I ever assumed that after you had a baby you were right as rain when even those with the healthiest mental fortitude are filled with so much emotion that can be downright exhausting all on it's own, no mind you also have a tiny person to keep alive.

I'm sorry I ever judged you for being absolutely exacerbated and annoyed by this creature that you "supposedly love and cherish." Dude, there are days where you are so absolutely NOT enthralled with being a doting mommy. It's exhausting and sometimes infuriating. And on top of never quite knowing what your spawn needs, you are so exhausted you don't even know what YOU need. Have I bathed today? Brushed my hair? My teeth!? Have I lost all ability to use proper personal hygiene!?!

I'm sorry I ever said, "I'm tired" in front of you because I had probably gotten at least 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep the night before and I'd probably get it again that night. So basically I was a dick head.

I'm sorry I ever shot you a judgmental sideways glance as you donned yoga pants and a top knot, AH-gain because I assumed you care what others think. That's not to say you don't care about your appearance, but there are days were your outfit and coiffed do take a major back seat to a catastrophic blown out diaper or a disaster of a nap time. And guess what, that's okay!?!?

I'm sorry I didn't write this sooner! I know I've written similar posts, but this one has been on my mind for a few months, but it's just now finding it's way out of my head over the past week. After talking to my mommy friends there seems to be an overwhelming feeling of inadequacy amongst Mothers, that needs to end now. I know it's hard. I daily find myself wanting to do something better or have to more patience or to be more present in the moment… I am trying to remind myself that each day is a new day and when something doesn't work today, I can start over fresh tomorrow. But what none of us needs is pressure to live up to anyone's unrealistic standards, sometimes even our own.

Love them. Cherish them. And for the love of geez-o-petes give yourself a break!

My Ode to Sweatpants

Processed with VSCOcam with t1 presetMy Dearest Sweatpants, oh how I love thee, Recently you came under vicious attack by an obnoxiously bronzed celebrity, who is so beautiful it actually makes me angry, but no mind. She deemed you, “the number 1 cause of divorce...” in her slanderous attack. Not only only does this statistic seem grossly inaccurate, it’s just plain disrespectful. The poor gorgeous celebrity has of course since eaten her words, but alas, the damage was done...  Processed with VSCOcam with t1 presetI am writing to reassure you that despite such a heinous remark you are still much loved and appreciated by wives everywhere!!! Me included. You are soft, stretchy and can easily go from grocery store to nap. You don’t make me feel self conscious about my post-baby love handles. You are just as comfy after an entire Chipotle burrito and a bag of chips and gauc as you are after a morning run-- [hahaha, but let's be serious, I'm never running…yet you love me anyways] And as an added bonus, you can be removed with ease anytime the mood strikes and that makes you sexy as hell.

Processed with VSCOcam with t1 preset You are now more socially acceptable than ever with chic “loungewear” designs popping up everywhere from Loft to JCrew to Alexander Wang... So not only are you NOT the the number 1 cause of divorce, you’re cool AND sexy!!! Stay stretchy my love!

With the highest adoration,

Lauren Processed with VSCOcam with t1 preset

Yes, I love fashion AND my sweatpants. GASP! I have a ton of different styles, some more appropriate for leaving the house than others... Here are a few styles that I would love to add to my collection!!

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But First, Coffee

sleeplessssss.001So part of me feels like people don't want to hear about how effing tired I am, but there's this other part of me who A. doesn't care and B. feels like it's complete bullshit if I pretend to have a perfect baby who sleeps perfectly and shits perfectly… I don't even know what that means, but I've seen bloggers with beautiful family pics of their amazing baby who not only brings joy and perfect piles of perfect poo, they sleep through the night and even started working a part time job to pay for diapers… It makes me mad, like, rullll mad. I know a ton of moms read these blogs and think, Shit, what am I doing wrong?! Nothing, you're doing nothing wrong!! Around 4.5 months MohawkRoc completely forgot how to sleep. So for the past month or so we have gone back to the basics of getting him sleeping through the night. We are dealing with "the rolling over" phase and he's yet to master rolling back so he wakes up on his tummy very angry-like… but enough of that, here's what has been sustaining us during our sleep fast. [1] Fuel. There are a variety of must have beverages: h2o, coffee, and beer… not necessarily in that order. Hydrating is super important and La Croix coconut sparkling water is my favorite thing in the world. I toss back these things like a boss. Donut Shop's Coconut Mocha coffee is INSANE delicious, I mean so good. I've never needed coffee before, but that is not the case any more. I don't do cream and sugar, but lately I haven't been digging my usual super bitter black coffee. Enter this coffee. It's so crisp and yummy you don't need to add anything. Then there's the booze. Banquet Beer. Cheap and tasty. Perfect when you just need a light beer with dinner to relax your brain from thinking about how you probably aren't going to sleep tonight either… le sigh… Oh and let us not forget to eat. We live off of Chipotle. Brown Rice. Beans. Veggies. Gauc. Lettuce. Relatively healthy, cheap, and fast. Boom. Enjoy with cold Banquet beer.

[2] Wardrobe. It's imperative you have stretchy lounge pants acceptable to be worn in public and a good hat… Boom. Pair with a cute tee or tank and you look like you give a damn, but we all know the truth... Not only do you not remember when you last gave a damn, you also put your underwear on inside out this morning and can't be bothered to fix them… not that I'm speaking from experience...

[3] Beauty. So eye cream is my new best friend. I've actually been using the whole line of Renée Rouleau products and I'm really impressed with the results, but this eye cream is brilliant. Total Eye Repair. Because, DAMN, we need to repair those eyes. And forget wearing your hair down, your kid is gonna pull all that shit out, like giant chunks of hair, and then they are going to try and eat it… Weirdos. I love these Emi Jay hair ties, they help you avoid hair headache!

[4] Entertainment. Our attention spans are pretty pathetic these days, but once the monster nugget is asleep we like to snuggle and laugh our asses off. Currently, we are obsessed with Blackish and The Mindy Project. We also love Modern Family, New Girl, About a Boy, and Brooklyn 99.  All VERY funny and while we might not know much, we know funny. We also watch The Walking Dead, but we right now we are a few episodes behind. CARRLLLLLLLLLLL.

[5] New Challenge. Journaling. I opened up to a wonderful friend about how the exhaustion was really weighing on me. I feel tired to my core. It's so hard to do anything well when you are that worn out and that can really start to affect your mood. I had been praying for rest for Mohawk and for The Captain and I and was just really feeling unheard, my friend suggested journaling and just keeping all those thoughts fresh in my mind and having an open and honest connection to my feelings and to God.

Hope this helps in some small way!! It helped me just to right it out!! So ladies, I want to know what are your must haves when you are utterly exhausted!?!

Does Anybody Know!?

DSC_1035-(ZF-2135-99237-1-013)So over the past few months my brain has been a pile of baby mush. While I still retain the most useless celebrity and movie knowledge, I forget the most basic information, I fumble for the easiest words, and I often feel like a an extra from The Walking Dead. But as I am getting used to this whole being a provider of life and sustenance, the reality of what a major undertaking that is has set in... I mean you know, but you don't KNOW... People try to prepare you, "get ready" "life will never be the same" blah, blah, blah, but here's the thing, not many folks really verbalize the struggles that can go along with being a new parent mommy. After I had Rocco, I felt so out of control and, bloody hell, I love to be in control. You are so worried about everything. Is he eating enough? Is he pooping enough? Am I pooping enough?! Is he crying too much?! Am I crying too much!?! All these things that no one really mentions and the more I talk to mommies the more I see that this is all totally normal. Even the most put together mommy loses her shit and if she says that she doesn't then she sits on a throne of lies. DSC_1258-ZF-4178-06689-1-001-006IT'S FREAKING HARD. Those first few months are especially draining on your body and on your soul!!! You want so much to make this lil nugget happy so when you can't you literally lose your marbles. You bawl, "what the hell do you want!?" and then you are filled with such guilt you take some time to cry in the closet. I felt such shame, when I would finally email The Captain I would confess that I felt like the worst mommy because I yelled at my poor baby and then cried locked in the bathroom... Well, as it turns out I wasn't alone. I would say the majority of mommys that I opened up to say they have had similar experiences. Don't you see!? We are all in the same boat, NONE of us know what we are doing!! My dearest friend, Shelly, reminded me one day that having a child is not supposed to be a one person job, the whole saying "it takes a village." She was so right, but it extends beyond your immediate family and friends... instead of ripping each other apart because "you can't believe she feeds her kids fast food" or "that she co-slept with her baby until he was a toddler" we should be helping lift each other up! Dude, it doesn't matter, we are all trying to survive and figure out what works best for our tiny humans because, shocker, all babies are different!!! No one, I repeat, NO ONE knows the perfect recipe for a happy baby that never cries and instantly sleeps through the night every single night ever!!! Can I get an AMEN!? We all love our babies so much, but let's nod our heads in agreement that there will be somedays where a shower and a poop alone are literally major triumphs! We are all in this together boos! [Insert fist pump here]

DSC_0724-(ZF-6193-92140-1-001)photos via Kelsey Erin Photography

Note: If you feel like you are experiencing more than just exhaustion and raging hormones please reach out to someone. Postpartum depression is a very real thing and you have to know you aren't alone! My brilliant friend Aggie wrote a beautiful and raw piece about her experience with ppd, I highly encourage you to check it out.

If you are having or have had a rough time and would just like to chat please to shoot me an message!