Moms Everywhere: I'm sorry I judged you…

BubbaI'm sorry I ever judged you for being late, canceling, or asking me to be ridiculously "available" so we could meet for lunch because I didn't realize how delicately a good day and a bad day rested on an extra 15 minutes of nap time... Blasted nap time. I'm sorry I ever spoke the words, "if they don't create flexibility in their babies life they will never learn!!" I'm clearly an idiot who needs to be flogged. Flexibility!? HA! You are lucky if you can find some semblance of a routine with a baby, you are entirely flexible, but it's about knowing how your baby will thrive and that trumps just about everything… Including a much needed meal of food with friends. Sorry boos.

I'm sorry I ever scoffed at a 5pm dinner request. Heck, is 4:30 too early!?!?

I'm sorry I judged that you didn't have all wooden and bpa-free shit for your kid to play with. Who was I kidding!?! What do you want!? What will make you happy!? Plastic? Toys with sharp edges!? TV!? Hell, I'll give you all of that!

I apologize for ever uttering the words "non-toxic" or "organic" in your presence. Self explanatory. See above.

I'm sorry I ever assumed that after you had a baby you were right as rain when even those with the healthiest mental fortitude are filled with so much emotion that can be downright exhausting all on it's own, no mind you also have a tiny person to keep alive.

I'm sorry I ever judged you for being absolutely exacerbated and annoyed by this creature that you "supposedly love and cherish." Dude, there are days where you are so absolutely NOT enthralled with being a doting mommy. It's exhausting and sometimes infuriating. And on top of never quite knowing what your spawn needs, you are so exhausted you don't even know what YOU need. Have I bathed today? Brushed my hair? My teeth!? Have I lost all ability to use proper personal hygiene!?!

I'm sorry I ever said, "I'm tired" in front of you because I had probably gotten at least 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep the night before and I'd probably get it again that night. So basically I was a dick head.

I'm sorry I ever shot you a judgmental sideways glance as you donned yoga pants and a top knot, AH-gain because I assumed you care what others think. That's not to say you don't care about your appearance, but there are days were your outfit and coiffed do take a major back seat to a catastrophic blown out diaper or a disaster of a nap time. And guess what, that's okay!?!?

I'm sorry I didn't write this sooner! I know I've written similar posts, but this one has been on my mind for a few months, but it's just now finding it's way out of my head over the past week. After talking to my mommy friends there seems to be an overwhelming feeling of inadequacy amongst Mothers, that needs to end now. I know it's hard. I daily find myself wanting to do something better or have to more patience or to be more present in the moment… I am trying to remind myself that each day is a new day and when something doesn't work today, I can start over fresh tomorrow. But what none of us needs is pressure to live up to anyone's unrealistic standards, sometimes even our own.

Love them. Cherish them. And for the love of geez-o-petes give yourself a break!

Does Anybody Know!?

DSC_1035-(ZF-2135-99237-1-013)So over the past few months my brain has been a pile of baby mush. While I still retain the most useless celebrity and movie knowledge, I forget the most basic information, I fumble for the easiest words, and I often feel like a an extra from The Walking Dead. But as I am getting used to this whole being a provider of life and sustenance, the reality of what a major undertaking that is has set in... I mean you know, but you don't KNOW... People try to prepare you, "get ready" "life will never be the same" blah, blah, blah, but here's the thing, not many folks really verbalize the struggles that can go along with being a new parent mommy. After I had Rocco, I felt so out of control and, bloody hell, I love to be in control. You are so worried about everything. Is he eating enough? Is he pooping enough? Am I pooping enough?! Is he crying too much?! Am I crying too much!?! All these things that no one really mentions and the more I talk to mommies the more I see that this is all totally normal. Even the most put together mommy loses her shit and if she says that she doesn't then she sits on a throne of lies. DSC_1258-ZF-4178-06689-1-001-006IT'S FREAKING HARD. Those first few months are especially draining on your body and on your soul!!! You want so much to make this lil nugget happy so when you can't you literally lose your marbles. You bawl, "what the hell do you want!?" and then you are filled with such guilt you take some time to cry in the closet. I felt such shame, when I would finally email The Captain I would confess that I felt like the worst mommy because I yelled at my poor baby and then cried locked in the bathroom... Well, as it turns out I wasn't alone. I would say the majority of mommys that I opened up to say they have had similar experiences. Don't you see!? We are all in the same boat, NONE of us know what we are doing!! My dearest friend, Shelly, reminded me one day that having a child is not supposed to be a one person job, the whole saying "it takes a village." She was so right, but it extends beyond your immediate family and friends... instead of ripping each other apart because "you can't believe she feeds her kids fast food" or "that she co-slept with her baby until he was a toddler" we should be helping lift each other up! Dude, it doesn't matter, we are all trying to survive and figure out what works best for our tiny humans because, shocker, all babies are different!!! No one, I repeat, NO ONE knows the perfect recipe for a happy baby that never cries and instantly sleeps through the night every single night ever!!! Can I get an AMEN!? We all love our babies so much, but let's nod our heads in agreement that there will be somedays where a shower and a poop alone are literally major triumphs! We are all in this together boos! [Insert fist pump here]

DSC_0724-(ZF-6193-92140-1-001)photos via Kelsey Erin Photography

Note: If you feel like you are experiencing more than just exhaustion and raging hormones please reach out to someone. Postpartum depression is a very real thing and you have to know you aren't alone! My brilliant friend Aggie wrote a beautiful and raw piece about her experience with ppd, I highly encourage you to check it out.

If you are having or have had a rough time and would just like to chat please to shoot me an message!